How to deal with a loved who has dementia

I’m new to this and have no idea what my story can do, but I’m wondering if I can make an impact on my story.

About 7 years ago, my father decided to retire after years and years of being in the restaurant business. At first hand, retirement appeared to be the kind of freedom my dad would have benefited from considering his many years of hustling.

Lets give you a quick introduction to whom my father is and the personality he exudes; a very comical yet polite man whom had a strict side as most east Indians parents would have. He had the kind of energy where he would assure all errands were met, while checking off his expenses in his check-book, which is something I now takes loads of discipline when looking back. I would also chuckle at his much desire to iron clothes in bulk.

Unfortunately, with time comes health issues, which is something my dad was not a stranger to. I always hate thinking of the impact both of his heart attacks had. Slowly in time- he lost a sense of time/direction, and became much more vulnerable in a kid-like way. It’s almost hard to explain, it started from forgetting things in-front of him which could have been dismissed as being absentminded as we all have the tendency from time to time.

but..

with his multiple chronic illnesses, and having re-connected to a shot or two of scotch, started becoming more of an anthem to

“I’ll stop at 2 shots” or “I’ll drink Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and go dry Sunday and Monday.”

Alcoholism being the culprit, started becoming the norm, after all promises never seemed to stick. My brother, sister, and I became frustrated with the relationship that was now scotch at bedtime. I’m not trying to purposely frame my dad in a bad light, I just want to explain how my dad headed to the position he is today.

Within the past two years, it’s become more of an apparent ordeal that my dad’s short-term memory had been shot, which started requiring lots and lots of patience. I’ve seen dementia being illustrated in movies and tv shows, and the horror of what became of the person which caused so much heartbreak.

but now, I am living this movie.. I went from being the passenger in the car, to now being in the driver’s seat.

My dad had recently suffered from two strokes/seizures within the same week, which was severely traumatic. Had I known what to expect, or if there was anything to know, I can tell you this much, I had absolutely NO idea what the answer was!

My siblings, and I have always found ways to constructively work around my dad and his health, as he had open heart surgery 3 years ago. Now looking back, that was a piece of cake.. We were all trying to find any bit of light in such a dark time. If there’s anything I’ve learned, I can tell you, these seizures most definitely contributed to a shrinkage in my dad’s brain, which is something no one tells you. Thanks to google, and the rest of the internet for teaching me about what my dad was going through.

My dad was then sent to a detox facility for a period of about 11 days or so.. now this was a blessing as it helped my dad steer away from alcohol, however, the horrors of being in isolation for multiple days without end seemed to have brought upon lots of sadness and loneliness.

Once my dad was discharged, my siblings and I found new ways to help my dad live.. and this involved tons of time, and a new schedule. As my dad also lost his ability to drive since patients who have seizures/strokes are usually banned from driving for a year. My brother had mastered a beautiful way for my dad to live, with a list which simply my dad would just have to check off; ex: eating breakfast, taking meds. Unfortunately, even this becomes tough for my dad to do remotely on his own.

This all being said, it’s not easy, but it’s not the worst. And it doesn’t always have to be. Sometimes just listening to my dad go on and on about his teenage years is what I know fulfills him. I tend to cope with laughter, as it is the best medicine and is FREE.

If you know someone who has a deteriorating memory, my advice to you is to remain patient, and allow yourself to breathe it out, while giving your own things proper importance. Don’t forget to live, but also it’s okay to be frustrated as you are human. Showing emotion is healthy, and having someone to share it with is a blessing. I cannot fathom not having an outlet, as my siblings and husband have been wonderful during this journey.